I love SoCal. I need to throw that out there. I love the beach. I love that it rarley rains. I love that 60 is cold. I tolerate the rude people and traffic. But overall, I really love it. That being said, could a sister get some seasons up in here? There is nothing like leaves falling and actually being able to wear a sweater and smell the cold coming in. Today, I broke a sweat sitting in the shade not moving. Dear mother nature, that is just excessive. I don't know how I lifeguarded in this weather in high school and continued to function without an IV drip of hydration when now I can't even get the mail without needing a glass of water and rest.

Also, the whole humidity thing is why I LEFT the South. As soon as our state is no longer on fire, I'm going to not-so-respectfully request that humidity get the hell out.

Small rant. Sorry.

Over-share

The first days of class are usually a joke. You come, take roll if the class is small enough, do awkward intros, go over the syllabus and go. Things become a little more routine and annoying when your class is 3 hours long. Considering my focus in my program is only 22 people I have 2 classes with the same 22 people and the other 2 have ridiculous overlap. Thus, contrary to my usual tendency to forget someone's name within 20 seconds of meeting them, I know the names of at least 11 people in my concentration.

Brief example of my tragic tendency to forget names (but reassurance that I'm not the only one): Lifeguard office. Me and two other guards with one in the tower who isn't exactly a staff favorite. Boss walks in escorting new guard. Boss introduces us to the new guard and we all make eye contact, say hi and have a lil convo. We talk trash about guard in tower...inform new guard how not to suck...get defensive from boss...they exit. 1.5 minutes later we say we're so glad we have a new guard and then realize all 3 of us have forgotten his name. My guess was Mike or Aaron. We were all a little ashamed. A day or two later the three of us were together again and one guard had followed up with our boss, turns out the new guys name is Mark. The same as my dad. Shameful.

Anywho, one of the most annoying things about that is you have to hear people awkwardly introduce themselves. Find an "interesting fact" or "one thing you wish people knew about you" which is tough to do without sounding like an asshole. Then your professor tries to get you to know each other and get comfortable with each other...which is cool, but some people miss the memo that that doesn't quiiiiite mean you should share your deepest darkest secrets. It's called an over-share and the best way to get yourself talked about (confidentiality doesn't apply when you spill your guts within the first hour and aren't paying someone for it).

1. This week in class I learned that one classmate's father is a drug dealer

2. I sold a duvet on eBay and the woman questioned if I had the right address...I didn't but told her I hoped the address PayPal supplied was someone she knew who could get her the duvet (figuring it was her dad's account or something) and she wrote back saying that her husband had died suddenly and she and her sons had had to move to a smaller place. VERY sad story...but there is no appropriate way to respond because it was a little inappropriate to share.

3. Planes are the WORST. Sat next to a guy who showed me the diamond earrings and necklace he'd bought for his 13 year old daughter who he hadn't seen in a decade to see if I thought she'd like them.

3a. I can't even count the number of times I've heard people sitting next to each other flirt and reveal things like...having an illegitimate child...or just having left rehab...

4. Class is my favorite example of people NOT being subtle when they think they are. Like my grief/loss class, or when discussing substance abuse or other serious topics when people ask specific questions and are clearly upset and think no one has caught on. It's like in sex ed in high school when someone asks "if a guy ejaculates on your thigh can you get pregnant" and convinces herself people think it is hypothetical. NEWSFLASH: We know it happened to you or the person next to you who is bright red. Might as well own it.

There are so many examples in my life that I cannot think of where I am just caught so off guard my decency goes out the door and I literally drop my jaw like a codfish (if you get that reference you have deeper insight into my childhood). If you want to spill your guts I'm sure VH1 has a reality show they can cast you on.

Stolen From Ali

I sometimes miss the email forwards that demand you answer questions about yourself and tag people or you will never get your first kiss...so when I saw this on Ali's blog I immediately had to fill it out. Also, because other blogs are in the works and taking awhile for me to write so this is a fun time filler.

1. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?
When I was 1.5 and we moved from Oregon to SoCal...I don't quite remember it.

2. What is your earliest memory?
Hmmm...I think some pre-school stuff circa age 3-4. Going to the park and riding my bike with my dad.

3. What was your second grade teacher's name?
Barbara...private school, we called our teachers by their first names. I didn't like her...because all I remember about her is that she didn't believe me when I said my ear hurt and it ended up being a really bad infection SO HAH.

4. What was the last thing you watched on tv?
Little People, Big World. It often times brings me to tears. It's fiiiiiine.

5. My uncle once:
Ordered everything on the dessert menu from Cheesecake Factory. Needless to say, he's a badass.

6. How long was your longest relationship?
A year and some change....on and off for what would have been 2 years

7. What do you want to be?
Right now, I'm just hoping to be a functional adult with a job

8. What was the last thing you received in the mail?
The New Yorker

9. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
I think we could all be a bit more kind to one another

10. Would you prefer 10 inches of snow or 100 degree weather?
100 degree weather. I'm a child of southern california so as long as there is no humidity involved I can deal.

11. What is your homepage set to?
Cnn.com

12. Last 5 websites you visited:
Twitter, Facebook, Blogger, Yelp, Gmail

13. Were you a planned baby?
So they say

14. What do you believe is the meaning of life?
You make your own meaning

15. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Electricity...why isn't that cheaper this day and age? We can send people to the moon and give someone a new face but we haven't found a cheaper way for me to sit on my butt in the light with AC and tv on without paying a shit ton for it? Who can I talk to about that?

16. How many schools did you attend through grade twelve?
4

17. The Cosby Show or The Simpsons?
...family matters

18. Three signs summer is here:
being sweaty all the time, it being light til 8pm, being able to read for fun

19. The last time you had your feelings hurt:
Hmm. Not sure? I guess a week ago?

20. Who was your first best friend?
Cathy, she moved to Israel after 1 grade though.

That was fun for me. Hopefully for you too.

My Summer, by Sam

Remember in like, elementary school when you'd come back from summer break and have to write an essay (aka a paragraph, what happened to those days?) about your summer? Well, I started classes today so I can do longer deny the reality of school so I have decided to recap my summer by recording the books I've read, whole CDs I've bought and movies I have seen. It if were last summer, I would recap more interesting events like number of time I blacked out or number of boys that I "met" but the juxtaposition of that list with this one just goes to show how much your life can change in one year. So, in nostalgic reflection, here is my list:

Books
"Things I Know Now: Letter to My Younger Self" edited by Ellyn Spragins
"The Abstinence Teacher" by Tom Perrotta
"Everything I know about being a girl I learned from Judy Blume" edited by Jennifer O'Connell
"When You Are Engulfed in Flames" by David Sedaris
"Commencement" by J. Courtney Sullivan
"I Know This Much is True" by Wally Lamb
"I Love You, Beth Cooper" by Larry Doyle
"Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell
2-3 months of the New Yorker
Currently reading: "Somethings Missing" by Matthew Dicks
Next in line: "The First Hour I Believed" by Wally Lamb

Movies
Away We Go
Paperheart
The Hurt Locker
Julie & Julia
Up!
The Hangover
The Ugly Truth
(500) Days of Summer
The Proposal
District 9
Next in line: It Might Get Loud

Whole CDs
Barclona "Absolutes"
Incubus "Moments and Melodies"
Blind Pilot "3 Rounds & a Sound"
Stephen Kellogg "...South of Stephen"
The Gabe Dixon Band "The Gabe Dixon Band"
Jaymay "Autumn Fallin'"
The Avett Brothers "I and Love and You-EP"
Bon Iver "Blood Bank-EP"
Regina Spektor "Far"
(500) Days of Summer Soundtrack
Eric Hutchinson "Sounds Like This"
Mat Kearney "City of Black and White"

That is my list. What about you, infinite abyss of nonexistant readers?

Where will people get their first kisses now!?

So every summer there is some article about declining enrollment numbers in summer camps. Blame it on the economy, Xbox or the fact that you now cannot get a college scholarship for sports unless you've been doing it seriously since age 7, but this should be considered a national crisis. Now, maybe I was unique because I am an only child and my parents were deathly afraid I was never going to develop social skills, but I have been going to camps since I can remember for everything from various sports to computer programming (yes, I'm serious. but we aren't in middle school anymore so you cannot make fun of me).

Day camps are a joy, especially for working parents and the counselors get to send the little snots back home around the time the lunch/snack high wears off and they start screaming. I understand that not every parent or child is comfortable sending their children away to sleepover camp but this brings me to my point. A startling number of kids I know had their first kiss/sexual experience at sleep away camp. I also worked at the summer camp I went to and got plenty of action out of it so this issue spans across generations. Now, you may be thinking "why would I send my child away to be turn into a ho ho?" but think of the other places kids get first kisses.

1) A car: Ok, to this day I HATE saying hello/goodbye to a potential lover in a car. You can't actually touch, there's no way to lean in without being painfully obvious and then the girl will inevitably struggle somehow getting out of the car and want to crawl into a corner. Until bench seats make a comeback, this is a major nono.
2) At the door: As I mentioned, I am an only child. This means my mother waited up for me at night. Every night. The only thing worse than an awkward first kiss would be your parents witnessing it. Also, there is the awkward pause when both of you are trying to figure out what to do and what goes where and maybe your drop your keys or you can't find them after the kiss or your dog starts barking or or or!
3) At school: Eh. No. Although, any positive thing you can associate with high school is good. Or middle school. Whatever. But not every first kiss is positive so you know, be careful.
4) A dance: Very public. With people grinding all over each other. If it's in middle school, your best friends are obviously all staring. Awkward.

I'm sure there are a multitude of other options that are cute and everything, but the allure of camp is really that there are no parents involved at all. Most times, the counselors are more concerned with the play they may or may not be getting from each other so you can wander. Camps are also typically in the wilderness so you can wander a bit and hold hands because you are "scared of the dark" or "heard a noise." Then you can gossip to your camp friends about it (and maybe your counselors...) but they won't be there to taunt you forever about it. It's perfect. So, send your children to camp and let them experience first kisses the least awkward way possible. Plus, it'll give you alone time to get some lovin' too.

No homo, but...

So I'm in the tower at work and 3 football players come in to the pool to cool off. They are massive. I would not mess with them in a any way, shape or form. The water polo team is out of the water "putting lane lines back in" aka strutting around the deck. The following conversation between football players ensues:

FB1: Dude, those speedos are SO tiny.
FB2&3: yeah
FB1: Like, no homo but those guys have NO asses!
FB2-3: hahaha
FB1: No really, would one of those things cover your ass dude?
FB2: My ass cheeks would be hanging out all over the place in one of those.

Then, of course, I got the mental image of these massive dudes in speedos with an adaptation of "fat man in a little coat" in the background and actually cackled at them.

Leaving Tennessee

Today is a very special day! It is my best friend's 23 birthday and first day of medical school...my friends are intimidatingly smart and cool. Also, a year ago today was when I packed up and left Tennessee after 4 years of college and trekked my way back to SoCal. It was today, a year ago, when I realized "shit, I'm going to more school, I need to stop drinking 5 nights a week and remember how to write an APA paper." Also, when I realized I was going right back where I had started 4 years go: my parent's house. That is a post in and of itself.

I recall the exact moment I crossed the bridge into Arkansas and my surprise at how easy it was to just wake up one morning, get in a car and leave the life I had spent 4 years painstakingly building. Just like that, I no longer lived there. Since I was going back to SoCal and would inevitably be hanging out with my high school/middle school friends it almost felt like the past 4 years had been voided.

It poured the whole time in Arkansas and I stopped at Sonic because I knew soon I would be in the land of ton of hilarious sonic commercials...but no Sonics. My parents were in Hawaii and wanted hourly updates which sounded something like "Hi guys...you are in hawaii...I don't know where I am but it is pelting rain and everything looks the same. Love you." "Hi guys, you are still in hawaii and I'm still unclear as to where I am but I think Bill Clinton is from around here so that's hopeful?" "Hi...still on the road...still...ok bye." I listened to a book on tape (Playing With Boys by Alicia Valdes-Rodriguez) and Ryan Adams "Demolition" and tried to let it sink in that things were all about to change radically.

That first day I drove to Dallas through PELTING rain and stayed with one of my old roommates who had started law school. It was strange to see her "new life" and to see her in a context other than college but felt strangely comforting to see that yes, life did exist after college. We watched Michael Phelps crush records, pre-recorded Brooke Knows Best (she prepared for my visit...she kicks ass) and ate funfetti cake and the next morning she sent me off with hot coffee and my own pound of snickerdoodle coffee. Nothing like a friend who knows you well.

No real purpose here...just weird that it's been a year and it all seems like a lifetime ago and it's just funny how much can change in a year.

Ole!

There is something you should know about me. I love Mexican food. I'm not talking "ohh...yeah I could go for a quesadilla" on a casual Saturday, I'm talking plotting out which Mexican restaurant I will go to on which night based on what their forte is, how strong their margaritas are and how many times they will refill your chips, salsa and water before they begin to give you dirty looks. The depth of the menu of a Mexican food restaurant is really just baffling given that most everything consists of the same ingredients: meat, beans, cheese, salsa and then mix it up with some veges, sour cream, guac and rice. And more cheese--because nothing else adds to the quality of a meal like the cheese content. Nonetheless, the options are endless. Quesadilla? Fajitas? Burrito? Taco? Chimi Changas? Nachos? Taquitos? Tostada? It even extends to breakfast with a breakfast burrito or Mexican omelet. It's magical, really.

One thing that really gets me is when people judge your food choice, as if only one of the aforementioned options is truly the best. Without fail, everytime I eat at a Mexican restaurant with a certain friend she proclaims that yes, "Sam LOVES Mexican food...and she thinks its acceptable to eat nachos as a meal (insert tone of absolute disgust like it's actually code for bringing Chinese take-out to the restaurant)." Look, nachos may be on the appetizer menu most of the time but when have you EVER ordered nachos and still had room for your entree without being borderline comatose? Yep. Never. They are huge, everyone always wants some and they blend all the best aspects of Mexican food together.

Next time you are at a Mexican restaurant just try the nachos, skip the entree and tell me you don't feel fantastic.

In addition: I found this on a blog and it is maybe the best pick-up line you could use on me.

Quick! To the top of Mt. Wanna-Hakka-Loogi!

Yesterday morning, at the painful time of 6am, I clocked in to work to life guard for a movie shoot. They were shooting in the dive pool and hoped to make it look like the ocean by using the "bubbler" which is actually used to break surface tension for when divers are first learning. Fortunately, I worked with a guard I've known for awhile so I was able to quote Finding Nemo and yell "BUBBLES!!! BUBBLESBUBBLESBUBBLES. MY BUBBLES" every time they went off. He was a good sport. If you don't know what I'm talking about you need some Pixar education and to click below.

BUBBLES

We thought the actress might drown a few times. We cleaned seaweed out of the pool. We decided they should insert JPEGs of Nemo into the film to make it look more like the ocean. It was a long day.

Actually...Sam has a vanity plate...

There are many times when I find myself the subject of ridicule, however my favorite is when it is unbeknown to the speaker. The most common of these situations is when discussing Jewish people and those with vanity plates. Now, where I grew up one knew never to ridicule the Jews not only because most people were Jewish but also because we had all spent our 12-13 year old weekends doing the YMCA, Time Warp and getting henna tattoos, caricatures, and endless amounts of mini hotdogs in a bun at one another's bar and bat mitzvahs. This changed, however, when I went to school in the South. My mother cautioned me to "keep a low profile" about my religion and when I did begin to tell people it was often met with "oh...wow, I've never met a Jewish person before." I decided this was ok because that is how I had reacted when I met my first friend who believed any form of touching before marriage was a sin, my first African-American friend and my first friend who thought Bush was the savior of our nation. Still, I opted not to wear a yellow star on my shirt so often times when in groups someone would make a derogatory comment about someone Jewish I would just ignore it until someone else, feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed for their friend, alerted everyone that I, in fact, was the aforementioned "cheap Jew." The stereotypes about Jewish people were nothing new to me but I was really surprised to find people's distaste for vanity plates.

In my family, we always enjoy trying to figure out what personalized plates mean and both my parents have vanity plates. Thus, when I was 14, just about to get my permit at 15, and my parents bought me a car (such a spoiled jewish girl, I know) I wanted one too. I chose one that was very simple. H2O Sam with an actual "o" and not a zero, to be chemically correct. I swam, played water polo and life guarded so I thought it made sense. People often times speak badly about people with vanity plates and yet again someone in the group feels compelled to alert everyone that I have one. The backpedaling begins. Whatever, ask someone what their first AIM screen name was and H2O Sam seems far more appealing. I went in to go change it before I left for college and found myself incapable of letting go...h2o sam was part of my identity. I liken it to changing the name of your car, vagina, or penis for some arbitrary reason that didn't involve a new car, vagina lift or bad case of syphilis.

Now, a major drawback of this personalized plate is that it requires me to harness my terribly out of control road rage. If you were to be cut-off by an unassuming white car you probably wouldn't remember it. If you were to be flicked off by a nice silver escalade, not much would probably stick out about it other than some comment about people thinking they own the road. But if that same SUV's license plate was "HGHROLR" I'm guessing the next time "HGHROLR" wants to get over a lane or is parked next to you in front of a restaurant you are going to remember that car. I can't yell at people, I can't flick them off and I especially can't do these things within the close vicinity of my home. Of course, I could let the road rage run wild but I have no desire to get into a fight, have my car keyed or have someone tell my mother I'm a bad driver (which I'm obviously not...duh).

I really have no funny ending here...just my frustration that my expression of my aquatic self hinders me from expressing my sheer hatred toward bad drivers. And that you should watch those 'cheap Jew' comments because they probably own that silver escalade too.

Couch Potato Musings

I haven't moved from a couch in the past 72 hours except to go to sleep or the bathroom and I have come to a few realizations. Now, keep in mind that these 72 hours involved advil, vicodin, cottage cheese and ice cream to get me through what I would imagine being punched in the jaw by Mike Tyson might feel like (also known as getting your wisdom teeth out). I have watched movies, VH1 countdowns and reality shows ad naseum and have come to a few conclusions.

First: The 90s were the best. All the top hits of the 90s, the hottest hotties of the 90s, movies that recount the heydey of the 90s...why engage in actual society when you can relive it's highlights from your couch?

Second: Eating a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (and starbucks mocha ice cream) while watching "More to Love" at first seems like a good idea until you realize how mean/sad/demeaning the show is and in turn the sad turn your life will soon take if you continue on this path.

Third: I never want to get old because existing on a diet of only soft foods is miserable. All I want to do is bite in to a huge hamburger but I a) cannot open my jaw that far b) am not allowed to eat solid food yet and c) refuse to move from this couch to get it.

Unfortunately, I return to the real world of work tomorrow and will no longer be able to memorize the HBO, Starz and VH1 line ups. For now, Runaway Bride is on which has a cameo from the dad in 10 things i hate about you, music from the dixie chicks before they pissed off the world, and a cameo by Stabler from SVU. If that isn't a recipe for perfection I don't know where else to search for meaning in my life.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and talks like a duck....OR...If the pool is empty, with a closed sign and there is no lifeguard...

It has been two summers since I told myself I would keep up a blog...and you can see how well that went. I have since graduated from college and completed a year of graduate school to find myself life guarding once again in an effort to take advantage of my (hopefully) last hourly wage job. This summer, yet again, boredom has led me to think that my musings may be amusing to others as well. So, here we go "again."

I work at the university pool which has an Olympic size competition pool and a smaller, much warmer dive pool. Priority is given to the Division I athletes of the University so most of the time only the dive pool is open because they are in the competition pool, but the schedule varies. We do not life guard for the athletes, only the recreational swimmers, and no athlete can be in an unguarded pool without a coach. This leads me to my point.

I like to think that people have a decent amount of common sense, especially considering we are at a university and no one under the age of 16 can use our pool. That being said, the questions I receive actually pain me. Some examples:

(While I am in the tower. People are in the pool. Other pool is empty and closed.)
"Is this pool open?"
"Can I go for a swim?"
(pointing toward other pool) "Can I swim there?"

(What goes through my head)
"No...I'm actually just sitting here watching these people swim for fun. We aren't open. In fact, those aren't actually other people."
"Yeah....actually, today just isn't your day...maybe come back tomorrow?"

Ok, so the schedule can be confusing. Swim team, swim camps, water polo soirees...it is a crapshoot as to whether or not the competition pool is open. We also keep the "pool closed" sign up when USC sponsored things are using the pool, so I SUPPOSE the sign is a little misleading. HOWEVER. Here are some signs that the non-open pool is, in fact, not open to you:

1) There is a pool closed sign 2) There is no lifeguard 3) A tall serbian man is cursing out water polo players 4) there are 4+ people to a lane swimming very quickly 5) there is a man/woman shouting swim sets into a megaphone and 6) THERE IS NO LIFEGUARD

Now, do not get me wrong here, I do appreciate that these people have the decency to ask as opposed to the people who just hop into an empty un-lifeguarded pool. When this happens, I suppress the urge to throw kickboards at the person. My other suggestion to prevent this from happening is placing a small, electronic device into the pool. That'll condition you never to swim alone. However, despite the entertainment of the aforementioned tactics, I would think simple logic would tell you that if you had to choose between an empty pool with no one in it and a pool with swimmers and a lifeguard you would choose the latter. It's basic water safety, really. I think next time I'm guarding a full, open pool and someone asked me if the pool is open I will simply reply "what pool?"

An idle mind

I wrote this originally in July of 2007...due to internet/log in issues, I had to do some copy paste...

I have been mostly alone in Nashville for about 2 months now. People come and go visiting and filling my idle days, however the majority of my time I spend in front a computer entering data or talking to people in an effort to forget that I am surrounded merely by objects of little worth. It is hard to update an anonymous person reading this on my life and who I am, so I am not going to. I am going to leap in as the average person would.

They say an idle mind is the devils workshop, and an idle mind is what I have. This isn't to say I have nothing to think about, rather that I prefer to think about recent occurrences in my life instead of studying for any of the 3 things I should be. I never have an idle mind, I just don't have a productive mind.

There is no point in this inital post other than a stream of consiousness. A minimalist introduction into what will hopefully evolve into something of entertainment and maybe even of worth. So read on please, so at least something comes of my idle mind.